Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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