This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
