I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
