Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
