Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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