So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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