u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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