ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
