I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize