I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
