I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
