Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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