I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
