Got a toothbrush?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
