His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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