I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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