I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
