...so i touched it.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
How many fucks given?
0.12846
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
