your parents love me but you hate me
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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