you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
