how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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