Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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