chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
