I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
