Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
jump out the window naked night went bad
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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