I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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