i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
