you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
