ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Hippo gnu deer
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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