Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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