Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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