Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
