my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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