So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
