i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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