Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
