Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
