I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
