she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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