Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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