youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize