My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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