he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
