Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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