So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
