How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
