your room smells of hookers.
And success
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
