I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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