I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
