god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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