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it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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