pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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