you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
