She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
