I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
