you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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