"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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