A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
