worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
