Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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