turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
