Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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