first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
