So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
