Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
