Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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