I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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