adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
