and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
