I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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