Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
