we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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