Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize
