My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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