I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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