After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
